Time Is My Enemy
The instant I knew life and time were so distinct. That defining moment, In a split second, the life I pleasantly lived and the world I was once living in cracked and burst into obliteration. My perfect little fuzzy bubble, my perfect little world vanished with her the moment I touched her cold skin and wiped away the crusted blood streaming from her eyes. Her eyes, still open, leaving only a burning image of fear and pain in them. The stained pigment of her irises were disturbingly unfamiliar.
I remember gazing at the blood that had pooled inside her ears. I tried to wipe away the blood from her braces, I kissed her cold lips several times as I whispered, “mommy is here now, I’m here now baby.” I scanned every inch of her little body and traced the exit of the quarter sized bullet wound that came out of her tiny little chest with my fingers. My mind raced in confusion as I tried to piece the steps of how I might try to fix her, bring her back somehow. I glanced at her face again in sheer horror and disbelief.
I ran my fingers gingerly through her beautiful thick golden honey blonde hair. I then covered the incision just under her heart with my hand and wished somehow I could magically get it to beat again, yearning to feel my child warm again.
An unfamiliar woman’s voice in the background asked me not to touch her, referring to my child as “the evidence.” The evidence! My daughter! She has a name, an identity, her name is Brooklynn, she is my baby! I gave life to this precious being laying in front of me and as swiftly as her life had been taken from me, so were my rights as a parent to her and for a second I was keenly aware of the utter destruction that lies ahead. Brooklynn is not coming home. Ever.
My beautiful healthy warm vibrant daughter that I had embraced tenderly just a few hours prior is now foreign to my touch.
I can’t fix this, I can’t help my daughter, I can’t fix my daughter! Yes, it’s that moment so distinct it transforms and alters the universe around you. It’s that moment of realization when you can’t go back ever, only forward. Like a pendulum that has thrusted you forward and never back.